Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Behold! My Hypno-Ponies Have Started to Yield Results (Finally!)

I am like, so fulfilled
This is a project decades in the making. I decided to market these stupid little cute ponies, see? They have hypno-jewels for eyes and were designed to enthrall young people and make them do my evil bidding. But wouldn't you know it, at the height of their popularity, the hypno-jewel eyes supplier in Northeast Malaysia was washed away in a Typhoon and all the shipments were sent with ordinary cute eyes. Cute eyes! Insert typical retort about good help here!

When the supplier got back up and running, the show was suddenly canceled. Without a cartoon show to market the product, the toy suffered the same fate as all other 80's cartoon-toy tie-ins: it tanked.

I was distraught: "What? Like nobody wants to play with cute ponies no more? Really?" It did not matter that they had exactly five billion point of articulation (all in the hair, to be sure, but that is a heck of a lot of articulation) people lost interest in stiff, unposeable pastel horses with eyes large enough to see into the radiowave spectrum.

Years later, enter the grown-ass man toy collector. Now suddenly, everything that ever existed on a toy shelf in history is known as a "collectable". And the idiot chicken has come home to its dateless roost.

Come to me, my darlings. Look deep into the horsies' eyes and do my diabolical bidding!
Your ass is mine!