Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Behold! My Plan to Use Idiotic Overstatement to Explode Heads is Nearly Complete

of course government is involved
Granted I am still in the testing phase here. Information Week must have infiltrated my ranks. They broke the story how the Obama White House is going with my plan to use pure words to detonate craniums by creating a government bureaucracy charged with reducing the excesses of multiple government bureaucracies.

Okay. If your head has not exploded by now, congratulations. Good for you. Drats for me. I was really hoping that would work. I think the problem is people's expectations are too low. Ten years ago, this would have caused at least 50% head-explodage around the country. That was indeed the original plan:
1) Put out something completely incomprehensible.
2) Watch the heads of nearly half the population spontaneously explode.
3) Threaten the surviving population for control of the world.
4) Profit. And ...
5) Achieve world domination.

But you have to admit, the most anti-transparency government in all of American history suddenly creating a faceless bureau with the express intention of reducing government waste comes pretty close. The minions in R&D (the only department with the smart minions) assure me this causes 5% head-explodage and 13% head-fissuring. It may not sound like much, but I am new at villainy and I think this program is showing promising results at such an early stage.

I mean, check out this quote:

Spelled out in an executive order, the Campaign to Cut Waste includes the creation of a new Government Accountability and Transparency Board (GATB) that will do for spending across the federal government what the Recovery Accountability and Transparency Board did for spending of recovery funds. 
"The online tracking of dollars … can and should be applied government wide," [Biden] said. "We're insisting that every federal agency is focused on transparency and accountability."

 Admit it. You had to put your hands to the sides of your head to keep it from going kaplooey there for a minute. The Obama administration is building on the "successes" of its recovery fund tracking. You know, the funds that ended up in countless boondoggles and created exactly no recovery.

But sadly, with every great plan, there are the unexpected side-effects that give one pause and makes one consider not going through with it. In addition to head-popping goodness, we have to say goodbye to one of my favorite government websites, the Fiddlin' Foresters.

We can't have nice things.

And by that I mean, we can't have nice things and world domination. Oh well. So long, nice things!

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