Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Dark Hand

As I said earlier, I have decided to confront a personal demon in the form of internet porn addiction through a scientifically-based online program called Candeo. My identity as the owner of this blog is relatively anonymous, but I no longer feel like the shame of this problem is something so rare that I cannot write about it openly because in my personal experience, more often than not, men live their lives in a manner which is centered around pornography, strip clubs, hook-ups, and other forms of weakness.

Many of the stats for this type of activity are old, but my general sense is that people are becoming acclimated to having porn in their lives. They are resigning themselves to the idea that men are monsters and that giving in is just natural, a part of life, and perhaps even a sign of their strength and virility.

But I am here to tell you friends, that is a dangerous dangerous road we are going down and the longer we stay on that path, the more difficult it is to recover. It is a place of darkness, anger, self-loathing, and destruction. But the terrible thing is you never notice until something snaps inside and you start to fight against it.

The cold black fingers of evil have worked their way into my flesh, squeezing into every pore. They wrapped around my heart and only when I resisted did I realize that it was this dark force controlling the beating of my heart and the direction of my mind. The habit had become an integral part of me. Removing it is going to feel like ripping my own arm from its socket.

For the first time in years, I am forcing myself to look into the real void of what I have done and what that means for my family. I listen to a lot of the "look into the void" genre of music in order to get into the right mindset when I do some novel writing. The genre is known alternately as dark or industrialist ambient and the artists go by names like Lustmord and Sephiroth. What these artists try to conjure with their gloomy sometimes theophobic and probably even occasionally Satanic lyrics and sounds is simple child's play compared to the real thing.

There are going to be a lot of popular big-budget movies this summer and many of them are going to deal with climatic scenes of mass destruction in order to portray the danger of ultimate evil. The real Satanic punchline is every theater is going to be full of men and women who hold themselves in opposition to the bad guys: Nazis, invading aliens, and marauding cosmic forces. Yet the true battleground of evil is not necessarily upon the plains, in the hills, or among the stars. It is in our hearts. Death is such a minor victory for evil. What evil really wants is for hearts to fall into darkness.

And all those eyes wide with spectacle, identifying with the projection of the hero, have already secretly resigned themselves to lives of darkness and self-hatred -- daily consumers of the new forbidden fruit -- now available for free and without social penalty in every hearth and home across our fading land.

They are relieved the villain has been vanquished without at all realizing the greatest victory of Satan over good has already been won in their hearts. Hearts which now convulse in the iron grip of the dark hand.

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